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Single
Parenting: Knowing Your Options and Understanding Your Child
Linda
Lowrey May
5, 2002
Introduction
Some parents just seem to have a natural relationship
with their children, and some do not. Sometimes
we think that communication is the same thing as telling
someone something, but communication is much more than the
latter. Communication
is any sharing of meaning between two (or more) people.
We very often communicate without words, such as when I
look threateningly at a child who is about to take a cookie.
I may say “no” words, but the child get the
message. One of
the challenges of communication is that we may not have the
same meanings as the others.
If one does not understand himself/herself, then it
would be very difficult to truly communicate in an effective
manner. Thus,
this may prevent the parent from building a strong bridge
between the parent and child.
Single
parents may find it even more difficult to effectively
communicate with the child, for various reasons.
Rather than discuss the reasons or parenting style,
additional support to the single parent is being offered.
We will explore how to strengthen the child by
identifying ways to develop the child into either a caring or
strong child. Additionally,
resources are shared to support in the struggle of single
parenting, as well as time management tips, and financial
stability tips.
Understanding
How to Strengthen the Child
Developing
the Caring Child
Every
child needs to be reminded often that people love and value
him/her. Often we
get busy and forget to send messages of love to our children,
or we send messages poorly, or we send only angry messages.
Sometimes we send a message of love, but the child does
not get it. It is as though we are talking different languages.
There are at least three “languages” of love:
showing, telling and touching.
You can learn to send the right messages of love to
your children. Examples
of ways to send messages of love include:
·
Say, “I love you.”
·
Take a bike ride together.
·
Hug the child.
·
Say, “I sure enjoy being with you.”
·
Make a trip to the library together.
·
Say, “I am glad that you are my child.”
·
Work on a hobby together (Goddard, pg 2).
This
all may seem easy, but sometimes the message of love does not
get through. Conveying
this message becomes complex when expressing the love in the
way that the child will understand.
Thus, how can you effectively send a message of love to
a child? One way
is to notice what your child asks for—time, attention, a
listening ear, materials for a hobby, outings, etc. Another way is to notice how the child sends messages of love
to you and others—tell you, hug you, write you notes, clean
up the house, etc (Goddard, pg 5).
Children often enjoy
even jobs that seem like work if they provide a special time
to be with the parent. Some parents schedule dates or special times with their
children. The
important part is to send clear messages often, learn their
language, schedule special times with them, and avoid anger
blocking your message. H.
Wallace Goddard, states that this will, in essence, assist in
the development of a caring child (Goddard, pg 3).
Developing
the Strong Child
Developing a strong
child has been termed as the antithesis of spoiling a child.
What does it mean to be spoiled?
Most people agree that a spoiled child is self-centered
and demanding, inconsiderate of others and unpleasant to be
around. Thus,
research tells us that parental warmth and affection is very
important to how children develop physically, mentally, and
socially (Abbell, pg 1). Sometimes adults think children who do unpleasant or annoying
things are spoiled. Bad
behavior may simply be normal behavior for a child at that
particular age and developmental stage.
While it is true that very young children may behave
poorly, some things parents do may also contribute to poor
behavior. For
instance, children who do not get enough positive attention
may try to get in ways that irritate the parents—tantrums,
whining, and clinging. However,
children sometimes act spoiled when parents do too much.
Abbell states that we should not continue to do things
for your children that they can physically do for themselves (Abbell,
pg 2). Some
parents may be very good at allowing their children to become
independent, but may not be good at setting clear and firm
limits for behavior. Children
easily discover rules that can be broken if their protest is
long and loud enough. Parents
who set rules and then do not enforce them very often have
children who think that rules do not apply to them.
Thus, raising children who are self-reliant,
cooperative, and considerate rather than spoiled is a
challenging but rewarding process. Parents who succeed know how children grow and what to expect
of their children at different ages.
They are able to respond to their children’s genuine
needs for care and comfort.
They recognize when the limits they set need to change.
Good parents know how powerful their positive attention,
affection, and support is to their children’s willingness to
be cooperative. Knowing
all these things is important.
Thus, parenting is a balancing act that asks you to
decide many things at once.
In time, your steady guidance will help your child grow
into a responsible and considerate person—making him/her a
strong child Abbell, pgs 2-6).
Resources
for Single Parents
Partners
Without Parents
The
problems are many in bringing up children alone, contending
with the emotional conflicts of divorce, never-married,
separation or widowhood.
Parents Without Partners Inc. is the only international
organization that provides help in the way of discussions,
professional speakers, study groups, publications and social
activities for families and adults. Through the exchange of
ideas and companionship, Parents Without Partners hope to
further the common welfare and the well-being of our children.
Parents Without Partners provides single parents and their
children with an opportunity for enhancing personal growth,
self-confidence and sensitivity towards others by offering an
environment for support, friendship and the exchange of
parenting techniques. Currently, there are 50, 000+ members in
the United States and Canada.
Additionally, single parents may join or set-up a
chapter of Parents Without Partners in the city in which they
live. Currently,
chapters range in size from 25 to 1,500 members, and are run
entirely by volunteer members who assume a variety of
leadership roles. All
chapters, to comply with their Parent Without Partners
charters, run programs balanced among three areas: educational
activities, family activities and adult social/recreational
activities.
·
Educational
Activities may
be group discussions, lectures by psychologists, lawyers and
other professionals, study groups, training seminars,
leadership and personal growth opportunities.
·
Family
Activities may
include holiday activities, potluck suppers, fun and
educational outings, picnics, hikes, camping, bowling, etc.
for children and their parents. These activities may be unique
in that they are the one place where children can be alone
with other single parent children.
·
Adult
Social/Recreational Activities help
single parents learn to relate again with other adults as
single persons.
Chapters
may also conduct community service programs. These include
community outreach (speakers for seminars and workshops in the
community), fund raising for national or local charities, or
cooperative exchanges (such as baby-sitting, clothing, or toy
exchanges). Chapters
are organized under regional councils, which coordinate
programs and sponsor conferences.
Thus, chapters and regional councils are organized into
zones, which elect directors and hold conferences (Parents
Without Partners, internet website).
Making
Lemonade Biz Network
Making
Lemonade Biz Network is an internet web site that assist
single parents in all aspects of parenting. The internet web
site was created by Jody Seidler.
She is a single mother with a sense of humor and a
sense of purpose. It
has become the leading one-stop place since 1997.
The web site hopes to give parents a strong sense of
community and make their lives easier as single parents.
Each month feature links to other valuable single
parenting resources are offered, such as poetry, stories,
email chat groups, bulletin boards, and a semi-monthly
newsletter. The
purpose is for the single parent to “Remember, you’re not
alone” (Making Lemonade, internet website).
Time
Management Tips
Time
management seems to be the most important element in a single
parent household (or any household for that matter).
It would appear that there is never enough time in the
day to do all that is needed to do for themselves and the
family. Time is a
commodity, and it has to be used wisely.
The good news is once can learn to budget time just as
we do our finances. Therefore,
it is time to get organized!
Here are some tips to help manage a busy single parent
world, and create a sense of organization.
Witness how life evolves as structure increase to the
days. It will create some time just for the single parent.
The time management tips as outlined by The Single
Parent Network are as follow:
·
Make lists, do not rely on your mind (or what is left
of it) to remember what things need to be done and when.
Whatever you have not gotten accomplished today, move
it over to tomorrow’s list.
There is always tomorrow, but place the urgent and the
most challenging to do’s on the top of tomorrow’s list.
·
Pay bills all at one time and put a little yellow
sticky memo on the piles that need to be mailed mid month or
at the end of the month.
This way you only have to get stressed out one day a
month and your bills get mailed out on time.
·
Get an engagement calendar for play dates or custody
arrangements, due dates for homework, meetings, bills,
personal and school events.
Take the pressure off your memory skills and keep track
of events and appointments on paper. This way you can keep your mind freed up from the strain of
having to remember everything.
·
Keep a notepad by your phone or bed to jot down things
as they come to mind. This
is a great tool so that you do not forget those fleeting
thoughts or morning reminders upon awakening.
You can also keep a small tape recorder in the car, so
that you do not miss a thought or reminder driving.
Just drive carefully and watch out for those drivers on
cellular phones.
·
Choose a day or night you will do your grocery shopping
and errand running each week.
Choose a consistent day to clean your home.
Stick to your schedule and forget about these
responsibilities the rest of the week.
·
Buy things in bulk (save time and money) and if bulk
buys bring too much food into your pantry-split these
purchases with another single parent or neighbor.
Now that we have places like Smart and Final and
Costco, it makes it easier to buy in bulk, save money and
always have what we need on hand.
·
Teach your child how to make his or her breakfast, help
with dishes and laundry (make a game of it), empty the
dishwasher and clean his/her room.
Make a chore chart and place a star on the chart for
these accomplishments.
·
Maximize your trips.
Create a flow chart in your head of where you have to
drive, and target those chores by their location.
Do not run around all over town to get errands done, do
them by area and by priority.
You can also use the phone to call a store to see if
they have an item in stock to save yourself a trip and some
time. If you have
a friend going to a grocery store have them pick up a few
items for you.
·
Think smart, save time.
Review your priorities and change those things that are
not working. Get
up earlier or go to bed later to get things done that can not
be done during the day, or designate a weekend while your
child(ren) is/are with the other parent or has a play date, in
order to accomplish what is needed.
·
Read at least 10 minutes a night to unwind.
If your child(ren) is/are old enough, you can designate
a 10 to 15 minute reading time where you both read your
separate books together.
·
Remember not to cling to worn out ways of scheduling
your time if they no longer work.
As you evolve and change, you may have to modify the
way time is spent doing errands, housework, bill paying,
scheduling appointments, and making the most of every hour in
the day. Why not
speak to other single parents, or people you admire, to find
out what has worked for them.
·
Most importantly, do not forget to take time out for
yourself. As much
as our children are our gifts, we are theirs as well.
Prioritize, replenish yourself, and think smart, it all
begins with you (Seidler, pgs 1-7)!
Financial
Stability
Your
money belongs to you, to spend or keep.
Earning money is only half the battle.
It is equally as important to learn to spend it wisely,
and to save wisely as well.
Begin now to tell your dollars where to go instead of
asking where they went. Ginita
Wall encourages the following list of super saving strategies
that will promote healthy saving habits.
They are as follow:
·
Tithe to yourself.
Each time you get paid and bonus, tax refunds, auto
allowances, etc., take 10% and place into your savings
account.
·
Stash money in your retirement plan.
Put money into your 401(k) plan, TSA plan or
tax-deductible IRA. The
money it earns will not be taxable until it is withdrawn.
·
Save through payroll deductions.
Payroll deductions that go directly into your savings
account or bonds are an excellent way of saving, because it is
money you do not see.
·
Make extra principal payments.
This will increase the portion of your regular mortgage
payment that goes toward principal.
·
Save your bonus.
·
Bank your raises.
·
Continue making auto payments.
When your automobile is paid for, continue to make
payments into your savings accounts rather than to the finance
company.
·
Save with coupons.
·
Save with mutual funds.
·
Increase your income.
Work overtime, a second job, etc. and deposit the
entire pay into your savings account and watch it grow.
·
Save extra paychecks.
If you get paid an extra paycheck in a month, deposit
into your savings account for you will be saving 10% of your
annual income.
·
Reinvest interest and dividends.
If you own certificates or deposit, let the interest
accumulate rather than having it paid to you monthly (Wall,
pgs 1-4).
Money
is powerful. We
can realize our full potential with it, acquire the tools we
need to become more productive, and be free from anxiety about
our future needs. Money
can also destroy. We
desire and fear the power of money, and most of us have
problems harnessing the positive power of money through
regular saving and investing.
Some people are financially careless, while others
develop profound spending disorders.
Most of us have a few deep-rooted psychological
barriers that interfere with wise money management.
The barriers have been outlined as: (1) The fantasy of
financial rescue and (2) Fear of the Future.
How can one overcome if a barrier exists.
Ginita Wall suggests that we take serious steps toward
providing for our own financial future, and create goals based
on the current income and financial situation.
Also, she offers that we approach the future on step at
a time. One must
establish short-term goals and start a savings plan towards
completion of the short-term goals and financial security
(Wall, pg 1).
Conclusion
Of
course, there is no perfect way to parenting.
Each child comes with his/her own personality.
Thus, single parents (all parents as well) can learn
how to best parent their children accordingly.
In my opinion, parenting is not a manuscript job that
comes with instructions.
There is no right or wrong way to parenting, as long as
the basic needs are being met.
Single parents have difficulty in this area, in part,
mainly because of the lack of additional support from the
other parent in the home.
Hopefully, single parents will begin to partner up and
assist with the rearing of our children.
In any event, we must reflect that when strengthening
the child—send messages of love clearly, communicate
effectively, try not to spoil the child, and enforce your
rules. If you ever need advice or assistance, “Remember that you
are not alone,” and by “Making Lemonade” for your
children you will find help with time management, financial
stability, and all your parenting needs.
References
Abell,
Ellen. (2002). Am I Spoiling My Child?
New York: Avon
Faber,
Adel, and Mazlish, Elaine (1980).
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So
Kids Will Talk. New
York: Avon.
Ginott,
Haim (1956). Between Parent and Child.
New York: Avon.
Goddard,
H. Wallace. (2002). Sending
Messages of Love. New
York: Avon.
Http://www.MAKINGLEMONDADE.com
Http://www.makinglemondae.com/timemanage.html
Http://www.ParentsWithoutPartners.com
Seidler,
Jody. (2002).
The Single Parent Network: Time Management.
New York: Avon.
Wall,
Ginita. (2002). Overcoming The Psychological Barriers To Saving.
New York: Avon.
White,
James D. (1976). Talking With A Child.
New York: MacMillan.
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